Communication is more than writing and speaking. One of the most overlooked aspects of communication is listening. Being a skillful listener will provide you with a deeper understanding of why people do what they do and will present you with insights about yourself.
‘The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.’ ~ Peter Drucker
The best way to build your listening habit is to practice, practice, and practice. Here are six tips that will help you build the listening habit.
1) Listen for key words. The words people use will tell you a lot about what part of their nervous system they are accessing. If they say words like see, notice, indicate then they are accessing the visual part of their nervous system. These are visual cues. If they use words like hear, listen, say then they are accessing the auditory part of their nervous system. These are auditory cues. If they use words like touching, feeling, flowing then they are accessing the kinesthetic part of their nervous system. These are kinesthetic cues. Some people will tend to rely on auditory cues as opposed to visual and kinesthetic cues which may mean they are primarily an auditory person. This can also apply for people who are primarily visual and kinesthetic.
2) Make eye contact. This will signal to people that you are interested in what they’re saying because you’re paying attention. When you make eye contact with others observe the eye position of the other person. If the person looks up to the right or left then they are accessing the visual part of their nervous system. If the person looks side to side then they are accessing the auditory part of their nervous system. If they look down and to the right then they are accessing the kinesthetic part of their nervous system.
3) Listen for the meaning behind the words. A presupposition of NLP is that a person’s behavior is always driven by a good intention. If you were to listen closely to others you may well find that everyone you speak with is well intended. Listening this way will allow you to hear a person’s underlying commitment or concern as opposed to their judgment or criticism. If you listen to people this way you will develop a thorough understanding of what drives and motivates others.
4) Stop your inner dialogue. We all have that inner voice that wants to contribute to the conversation. Part of becoming a good listener means that you need to put your inner voice aside and start paying attention to others. When you start to do this you will learn more and miss less. I had an experience of this when I was listening to a cab driver. The cab driver just happened to own the cab company and we were talking about entrepreneurship. Since he was an owner I decided to interview him.
Steve: “So Len, I’m curious, how do you keep good employees in your business?”
Len: “I treat my employees the way I like to be treated. It’s only fair that way.”
Steve: “Oh, nice one. I never thought of it that way, simple but logical. Ok, I got another question, how do you hire good people to work for your company?”
Len: “Well when I bring them in so that we can meet, I let them do all the talking to see if they dig a hole for themselves. Sometimes people will begin to talk about money right away. You don’t want to hire those people. You want to hire people who are passionate about the job.”
Steve: “Good point. It sounds like your strategy is to listen to people.”
Len: “Yup, I figure that we all have two ears and one mouth anyways, so we should listen twice as much as we talk.”
Steve: “I’ve never heard that before. I’m going to use that sometime.”
I think I learned more in that conversation than all my four years of University. The best part was that I picked up all this great advice from listening to his dialogue instead of mine.
5) Focus on the story. Everyone has a story to tell. We may not all be very good story tellers but that comes with practice. If you want to be a great story teller you will want to start listening to other great story tellers. Learn to listen to others tell their stories. You’ll get more tips by listening and you’ll build your own skill to be a great storyteller.
6) Ask questions. If you ask questions it shows that you are paying attention to others and that you’re genuinely interested. It also provides clarity for both people during the conversation. Asking questions provides you with an understanding and helps keep the flow of the conversation. Asking good questions is a part of being a skillful listener. In my article, Are Questions the Answer? published in Confidence Bound magazine, I explain why questions are an important part of listening.
38 Comments
Andrea
October 2, 2007Very interesting :)
I am more visual then anything
How are things??
Steve
October 2, 2007Hi Andrea – yeah I’m an auditory type.
things are great… we need to meet up. I’ll send you a note.
Steve
Trisha
October 2, 2007I need to listen more for the good intention in others, as I feel it will bring out the good intenions in me.
Steve
October 3, 2007Well said Trisha. I think that’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned from this post!
thanks for sharing.
Steve
Jill McCarthy
October 5, 2007I have just read your friday story which I have sent to me and now I have just been on your website. You talk about the power of communication and yet your story annoyed me in the first sentence because of your presumptions. You talked about your partner in climbing a rope being a 50 year old woman and your unspoken presumptions was that she wouldnt be able to do it \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\���¢�¯�¿�½�¯�¿�½cos she was middleaged. Now Im a 51 year old woman, who has recently undertaken a rope course which consisted of 2 hours of crossing rope bridges climbing rope ladders etc 60 feet above the ground. Tomorrow, Im going to climb Snowdon, Wales’ highest peak, I know I can do it no problem, becuase I climbed it a month previously. Dont presume becuase somebody is 50 they are not fit or dont have courage. You will feel differently believe me when you are 50. You are also judging people by how they look – dont judge a book by its cover. And before you preach to people about communication skills start looking at your own.
katy
October 5, 2007One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears–by listening to them.
-Dean Rusk
Stella Guðjónsdóttir
October 5, 2007Hi Steve!
I like your site very much. It spoke into my sole. I am a teacher an live in Iceland. The first thing you must be as a teacher is a good listener;o)
Tahks for your great tips.
All the best,
Stella
Laura Ireland
October 5, 2007Loved your story to Raymond Aaron. Listening is a lost art in this culture. You learn more from listening than talking for sure. Thanks for sharing.
Steve
October 5, 2007thanks Laura,
Steve
Steve
October 5, 2007Hi Jill – great point!
I totally agree with you – that everything I say about others is a reflection of ME. My point of view isn’t accurate to say the least, it’s just my perspective.
Bob Proctor who just turned 76 is another amazing example of someone who has an abundance of energy and has defied all the ‘rules’ set for someone his age. GO BOB!
Steve
Steve
October 5, 2007thanks for the words of wisdom Stella – I think I’m a ‘come out of the closet’ teacher,
all the best,
Steve
Sarah
October 5, 2007Hey Steve,
What was great about your story was that it was honest and authentic, and the truth is that most of us who are working with someone we think may have a harder time than us have to admit that the same questions and concerns run through our minds at times.
I am an executive recruiter for a direct sales company (www.WhatisGoji.com) and work with a large team of hearing impaired
co-workers. Talk about a challenge, especially for someone like me who is TOTALLY auditory…but it’s been a learning experience and just like your partner, my team-mates have taught me that where’s there is a will, there is most definitely a way.
What a blessing to be able to celebrate at the top with someone you have offered support and assistance to – much better than being the “turbo achiever” all alone!
Keep on climbing!
Sarah
Susan Robinson
October 5, 2007Thank you Steve. I now have one more awesome website to view daily. Keep you perspective coming….
Have a great day and God Bless!!!
Susan
Steve
October 5, 2007thanks Sarah.
Steve
Steve
October 5, 2007thanks for your feedback Susan,
Steve
Jhanna Dawson
October 5, 2007Hi Steve, (this is totally off topic from your entry above)
I, too, just read the story about your ropes course. I did a ropes course last year with a young woman, who was fit, adventurous, and ready to go.
Yet when we were up 50 feet, each facing and balancing on our own thin roap, leaning into each other, trust was required from both parties and things changed. Suddenly she was frozen on the ropes, as she had trust issues that she was unaware of. We sat up there for a bit while I worked to help her find the courage to trust a complete stranger (me), and that she could take that to the rest of her life.
She took those words and found the courage to finish the exercise
When we arrived safely on the ground, I was as proud of her as I would be my own child. She said it changed her life. What an honor to be a part of that!
You’re right, it’s just as fun being a part of other’s successes as it is our own. I’m off to read your blog!
~Jhanna
Kelly Harel
October 5, 2007Hi Steve
Thank you for your “lonely at the top” story this morning it was very “insightful”! I read a few more of your articles which I enjoyed very much. Now really most of this information has been out there in one form or another and has been available for I suppose centuries. Why do you think it is that while these stories and personal growth generally resonates with most people, for most of us we are extremely weak on the follow through? The personal growth industry has exploded in recent years but the truth is that over 95% who buy books, programs and related materials never arrive at the destination described by their authors?
Kelly Harel
Langley, BC
Carol Jefferies
October 5, 2007THe Wise Old Owl
by an unknown author
The wise old owl Sat in an Oak
The more he saw
The less he spoke
The less he spoke
The more he heard
Why can’t we all be more like that wise old bird?
I was taught this poem in third grade.
In FLT
Carol
Gaye Conover
October 5, 2007Enjoyed your message.
Anne Richards
October 5, 2007Good Morning, Stephen! I read your Friday story with great interest this morning, and with great annoyance, which I suppose tells you something about me! As a 50 year old woman runner who recently completed 2 marathons and 2 half marathons, and many other personal challenges requiring courage, fortitude, and awareness, I bristled at your assumption that what 50 year old women do when confronted with challenges is have heart attacks! It’s cool to say to Jill (above) that your perspective is just your perspective–but what would it take for you to really aknowledge that the other half of your lesson could be about your biases regarding age and sex?
Thanks for the opportunity to respond!
Wayne Gersie
October 5, 2007Steve,
I read your piece on the self improvement workshop activity with Diane. It made me think of my favorite quote. “Lifting as we climb”
Ilse Coleman
October 5, 2007Hi Steve,
I loved your story!
Your sentence about the 50 years old lady named Diana, got me “a little” on guard because I’m 58 and doing pretty good. None the less, I kept reading and was very happy for you and Diana to see that you both made it to the top. Happy for you because you learned something new. Happy for me because I went to the end of the story and learn that what I say of other people is a reflection of me. I am always doing things by myself because I feel that others are too slow for me.
Thanks so much. Keep up the good work!
Ilse
Nora Minton
October 5, 2007I love your site. I will explore it more later.
Vanessa
October 5, 2007Most of your materials here sound as if you’ve had some influence of Werner Erhard or Landmark Education.
Marie
October 5, 2007Stephen,
This is a great post. Very helpful. I am training in the art of Social Work and we are taught over and over to be an active listener. I am working on this, it has not come easy. I always feel a deep sense of appreciation when I truly listen to another person.
Also I am taking a Philosophy class in which … well I was not doing as well as I am used to. For the most part I am a 4 pt. average student. It finally clicked with me. I need to listen to the others in our discussion, to think Philosophically, ding ding ding the bell went off and the light flashed. I am doing much better in that class now.
Thanks for this great post.
BTW Loved your mail about climbing that rope… me being afraid of heights, it brough back memories of a thing called “Swing of Death” nice I know. Well I was terrified of heights and did not know. I managed to climb it, my platoon was counting on me. With them I managed… as well as a brave drill instructor who went down the entire thing with me… said I tried to kill him, jokingly.
Love the part of the negative self-talk, and how the 60 year old woman really inspired you. I say she is an inspiration. Hooo rah!!
Marie-Samadhi
Tahani aburaneh
October 5, 2007hello steve. i read your story today and it was great. but more than that its you as a young man who is doing all you can to inspire others by your stories and writing too. i would love to meet with you one day. i live in Cambridge only one hour away. Thanks again for inspiring me and will pass it on to my kids and others around me.
please email when you can.
happy thanks giving weekend
Claudette
October 5, 2007I came across your story from Bob Proctor’s site. Loved it I will be checking yours to for more great advise.
Claudette
Jeannie
April 26, 2016Check that off the list of things I was couesnfd about.
A. Wahab Bakar
October 5, 2007Hi Steve,
Indeed the tips are so simple but very impactful and meaningful. Brief for easy reading which make it easier for the reader to take it at bite size. People tend to talk more than listening and you drive the point home by saying “stop your inner dialogue”.
Wahab
Hildy Lyn Roy
October 5, 2007Well I TOTALLY enjoyed everything that I just read. I teach Yoga and am a CMT/RP have been in show biz all my life and find myself re-honing the intuitive side that we all have but really do need to nurture, be aware of and love. I sure needed the reminder to listen more than talk. Type A, teacher, loves to share knowledge and needs to remember…….Also, I had to smile at the email from the person getting on your case about the age thing. It’s a pretty human “failing” I think. I am a very senior lady chronologically, but I will run circles around a lot of today’s 18yr. olds. That’s because I am still 18!!!!!! I also “feel” a person’s “energy” even in an email. You are a pretty darned neat guy and thank you for your caring, teachings and sharing. Hugs and Bhakti, Hildy Lyn
Steve
October 5, 2007thanks Hildy – I only feel 25! (30 in physical years).
Steve
Steve
October 5, 2007thanks Tahani – I hope you have a great thanks giving as well.
Steve
Steve
October 5, 2007Hi Kelly – You’ve got a good point. Most of us are not very good on the follow through. My two cents – I think a little action each day towards the things we want is the key (ie. persistence). This will allow us to be and have the things we want. The actions being inspired actions. Not sure if I answered your question but feel free to contact me via my contact page.
Steve
Steve
October 5, 2007You’re spot on Vanessa – I took the Landmark Forum in March 2006.
Steve
Katrina
October 9, 2007Hi, I’m new to your site today, Steve; found it from Bob Proctor’s Insight of the Day daily email where he published “It’s Lonely at the Top”. I am a network marketer working on a downline, so this post from you “6 Tips to Building Your Listening Habit” was benificial to read. The more we learn about a person by listening to them and being aware of their body language, the easier it will be to communicate with them “in their language” so to speak and be heard. -Kat
Visit my new blog: http://katrinasmall.wordpress.com/
I will be happy to place your link on my blog.
Katrina
October 9, 2007Kat here again. One other comment or two. I’d like to respond to Kelly Harel’s post above and simply say repitition, repitition, repitition. That’s how I learn and perhaps many others. I appreciate hearing the message over and over again. Finally it sinks in. I believe people are compelled to share when they have found something that has actually worked for them and has taken them over the bridge to the top 2%, so to speak. As for the comments on the over 50-unfit-women issue, I let that blow by and concentrate on the actual message in the story. :) -Kat
Steve
October 9, 2007Great point Katrina – I’ve been in the listening of The Law of Attraction for over a year now and I’m just starting to understand some of the more powerful ideas more fully (ie. gratitude, having faith, etc.)
I agree that repetition has made a big difference in my own life,
Steve
PS – thanks for the mention on your blog :)
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